Our last (official) day of PA was May 11, with a little bit of wrap-up the following week. Although I was feeling tons of doubts about whether our students would even show up for our project (re: senioritis in Narnia), it came together amazingly! Our students, while select, were excited to share their project with the peers. Their project included lots of cake and decorations to attract students to their booth, where they had students sign a drug-free poster to hang in the lobby of their high school. In addition, each student explained to the camera why they live drug-free (inspired by the touching drug-use confessionals during their panel). The video will hopefully be shown at a "huddle" where students peer educate on various topics.
Needless to say, I was very proud of my students. I knew they could bring it together (this is how it always happens!), and despite their continually spotty attendance record (they didn't make it to the PA summit the previous day), I could tell that they were invested in the final product, if not their relationships with us.
At the end of the day, though, I still have those doubts in my mind. I didn't get to see the whole project, which may have aggravated this feeling, but I'm still very skeptical if the gross time devoted to "relationship building" within the PA curriculum really made an impact on the students at all. I don't feel any stronger of a relationship with them now, and I certainly don't know if 18 or 19 year olds really want a relationship with their coaches.
Further, we did not get to finish and air the video. This is the second year in a row where my project has gotten finished, but not quite implemented. It's frustrating to say the least, and at times I could hardly contain my frustration with how apathetic and unorganized my school was compared to other PA groups.
My other commitments have thus brought me to a strange impasse. I will be very busy next year, and unsure if I will have the time to be a good PA coach. Further, I'm not entirely sure that I will have the money to continue to volunteer ( I may need to find a "real job."). PA can be frustrating to say the least, and at times, it seems like it's hardly worth the effort.
At the same time, it can be so rewarding. I've almost thought about going the other direction and increasing my award hours for PA by doing something extra, such as helping run a student newspaper at the school. This would be more work, but also more money, and would make my PA efforts more effective.
PA has brought me so much satisfaction and taught me so much about myself - in fact, it has made me question what my role in the world truly is on more than one occasion. I would hate to see it go, but at the same time, I question my effectiveness in the position. I've decided to come back in the fall, but the decision weighs very heavily on me.
We'll see what happens, but as for what is, I will let it be. Let be the pride for my students, the insecurities about their experiences, and the future. Like I said at the beginning of this blog, the biggest heartache of PA is learning what I can and can't change. But it is also the biggest reward.
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